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Body Language…a la LK

July 1, 2009


I just got back to Houston from the Texas Hill Country.   The elevation is significantly higher than most of SE Texas.  I think Houston is something like 12 inches above and that’s it!

And while are hills aren’t tall – Colorado it ain’t – I can still  feel the elevational effect on my body.   I have fun visiting my insanely wonderful family, but my stay there is always an excercise in pain management.    Over the past four days in the bosom of my kin, I have learned that  it is indeed a fact that our bodies talk and more often than not, they talk to us. They communicate through pain.   We feel it and therefore, we know there’s a problem. Muscles and tendons are very good about  keeping the lines of communication open.    But it’s not only what inside that plays the role of your bod’s squeakiest wheel.    It’s often what external.   Skin and other things once so vital and taught.

Sometimes, body parts (inside and outside) talk to themselves; sometimes they talk to other body parts. And if we listen carefully, we can learn a great deal about ourselves.   And no, there’s never any language barrier.   Your  body always talks to you in your native tongue.

I listened to my body over the past few days and no stethoscope was needed.

Here’s what I heard:

LEFT BREAST: “Hey! HEY LADY! I’m talking to you. Do you call this a bra? It’s killing us!! This morning when we showered I looked down and we’re both beginning to look two coat sleeves just hanging there. You actually have to roll us up like sock to put us in this head band you call a bra. Come on! How about a little support, here??? Jeez!”

LK :  ” I know, dear breasts. I’m sorry. Gravity is a bitch. I had no idea it was going to be this bad.”

RIGHT BREAST: “You’re telling me. Why don’t you do something? Get a lift. Get a better bra, will ya??? The other day, when you were sitting down, the left knee kept telling me to leave him alone. And if that wasn’t bad enough, your foot was making fun of me and the twin and things got heated. The foot told me that I should get a SAG card. I told him we’ve never been in a movie before and he replied, “What’s a movie? Man, that foot is such an ass!”


CHIN: Hey, lady, I got four new whiskers that grew on me overnight and they need to be removed. Or are you maybe thinking about that hot, new C. Everett Koop look for middle aged broads? Hey! I’m talking to you!! You gonna remove paint with these wiry things? If not, pluck ’em or tweeze ’em or do something, please! Either that or we’re gonna braid together and go as Heidi Longstocking for Halloween”.


EYEBROWS:   “Uh, you wanna put an end to this two-year long Ed Asner impersonation?  For the love of God, pluck us!   Your left  eyebrow  just got hit on by a caterpillar!”


ARMPITS: “Hey, tits,  why don’t you find your own damn place to sleep??”


LEFT BUTT CHEEK : “Oh great! Now, she’s going to the bathroom.”

RIGHT BUTT CHEEK: “Yeah. I’m ready. Hey, remember when she used to work out and we were firm? You could bounce a nickel off of me in ’85.”

LEFT BUTT CHEEK: “Yeah, I remember. Those were the good old days. Back in ’96, I could pick up a single Post-It-Note, then fold the son of a bitch!!! Now look at us….we’re both so damn flabby. We just kind of hang here”.

RIGHT BUTT CHEEK: “Yeah…hang is the operative word. I looked at our reflection in the mirror the other day when she was naked. We look like an inverted McDonald’s “M”. Damn. OK…OK, here we go. We’re entering the bathroom stall now”.

LEFT BUTT CHEEK: “Oh, I hate this toilet. Jeez!!! She’s sitting down…here we go! Oh shit, the water is cold!”

RIGHT BUTT CHEEK: “Yeah and it’s deep, too!”


UTERUS: “Allright already. I’m done! No more! Oy”.

Every uterus after reproductive viability, eventually converts to Judaism.

Really, it’s true!!


OVARY: (cough…cough!)  Geez man!  What in the hell did I just spit up? What the…?   Powdered eggs????    Damn!!  How old are we??”


2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 1, 2009 7:59 pm

    Is this the new home of your comedy stylings? 🙂

  2. Pete(Detroit) permalink
    July 7, 2009 9:41 am

    “Powdered eggs” – Awesome!

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